Getting married is one of the biggest life-changing decisions most people have to make—and also one of the most stressful, according to the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory (also known as the Life Change Index Scale.) Even before getting engaged, much thought, time and care are required before exchanging vows.
Deciding to commit your life to someone in marriage is something German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) spent a lot of time thinking about. He offered his wise thoughts on marriage to others during his life.
Nietzsche’s advice on whether someone should marry their partner comes down to one simple question. His advice is applicable to anyone debating getting engaged, newly married, or simply dating someone they might consider as a life partner. Nietzsche’s straightforward question can help people decide if one should walk confidently (or not) into marriage.
Friedrich Nietzsche’s important marriage question
Nietzche shared his wisdom with people wondering whether their partner is truly “the one.” He summed up his thoughts with this simple quote and question:
“[D]o you believe you are going to enjoy talking with this woman [or partner] up into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory, but most of the time you are together will be devoted to conversation.”
According to Nietzsche, the most important thing that will hold a marriage together is not attraction, money, or compatibility. It simply comes down to: do you enjoy talking to this person?
Marriage isn’t a moment. It’s a lifelong conversation.
Response to Nietzsche’s marriage advice
Mark Manson, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Mark Manson shared why he strongly believes the advice is the secret for a happy marriage on a recent episode of the Pursuit of Wonder podcast.
He shared, “My favorite quote that I’ve ever heard about marriage came from the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche.”
After reciting the quote, he explains why Nietzsche’s advice is so impactful:
“Looks come and go. Interests come and go. Finances come and go. Family problems come and go. But at the end of the day, can you spend the rest of your life in this conversation?” he says. “To me this is so profound because all the things that we care about when we’re young, when we meet somebody 99% of them will not matter anymore once we hit old age. Careers come and go. Money comes and goes. Families come and go. But if you can sustain that conversation through everything else, you can always have a great marriage.”
Nietzsche’s additional thoughts on marriage
Although Nietzsche never married, he wrote often about marriage and offered many theories on it meant to challenge and provoke thought. Nietzsche believed that friendship was paramount to a strong marriage as opposed to romance.
He wrote in Human, All Too Human (Aphorism 378), “The best friend will probably acquire the best wife, because a good marriage is founded on the talent for friendship.”
Nietzsche also wrote, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
As researcher Skye Nettleton explains in her 2009 paper on Nietzsche and marriage, she notes the philosopher also wrote, “Sensuality often makes love grow too quickly, so that the root remains weak and is easy to pull out.”
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